naked & exposed

Lately, something has been gnawing inside of me. I can’t exactly explain what I’ve been feeling, nor can I pinpoint where this is coming from. It could be lonliness, sadness, apathy, boredom… I really don’t know. I just know that i would occasionally feel a slight throb in my heart, and whenever I do, I would immediately try to keep myself preoccupied. I would play the piano, exercise, blast my music, watch a korean drama or some other show/movie, surf the internet, hang out with friends, talk to someone; however, I would realize time & time again that this stuff can’t get rid of this feeling. In fact, I end up feeling even more dejected than before. But I couldn’t understand it: Why do I feel so crummy? I have absolutely nothing to be sad about. Life has never been so good before. Whenever I ask myself that question, the same answer always into my head: Jesus. Stupid, stupid me. Why don’t I realize that Jesus is the answer to all my problems? —or, should I ask, Why can’t I accept the fact that Jesus is the answer? Simply because I don’t truly believe that Jesus’ love is all i need, & because I don’t want it to be the answer. When will I ever learn?

1. For the most part, i think guys with long hair is really unattractive & most korean guys, especially these days have long hair
2. i don’t like guys who are skinnier than me because i’ll just feel fat around them, especially since they have thinner thighs than I do
3. they act too cute/girly & their long hair styles just adds to the girliness
4. & if they’re girlier than me, I’ll feel butch around them
5. their usually really skrawny - as in, they have no muscle: i want a guy who’ll look like they can actually protect me
6. & i can go into specfics but i’d much rather not because I’ll just feel as though i’m repeating myself

don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have no interest whatsoever in korean guys. [In fact, while I was in Palisades Park today, I saw korean guy who I thought was hot - like really hot.] It’s just that I like manly & handsome men. & in my opinion, korean guys are generally pretty boys….

edit:

in my defense, here is a [partly] korean guy who I think is just heavenly

even though he’s half british, he’s still KOREAN!! lol

I’m always cold, my body aches all over, i’m always tired, my stomach hurts & at the moment, I can’t sleep.

school is killing me, literally. i just want to get out already. I’m sick of all the people in my school - I CANNOT STAND THEM. My teachers are bitches, who have no sympathy whatsoever. seriously, i need to graduate NOW.

I HATE PROM. too much stress. Who are you guna go with? Where are you going afterwards? Where are you taking pictures? What dress are you guna wear? How are you going to do your hair? So are you guna go with me or what?? Why aren’t you guna go with me, you bitch??? Why aren’t you going to ask me? Just shut up already. I don’t even want to go anymore.

I need a change of scenery. I’m tired of seeing the same people everyday. I need excitement. i need to leave.