naked & exposed

I need to stop being so depressing. There’s so much to be thankful for.

Life’s been pretty crummy these days, in case you couldn’t tell from my recent blogs.

1. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Yeah, I know that I’m still a first-year, so I don’t need to worry about this, but really, I feel like I have no direction — it’s freaking me out.
2. The weather sucks. I want warm weather. I hate having to walk to class through slush that’s almost ankle deep and almost getting hit by slush bombs. And who the hell still has classes in such crappy weather like this?! seriously, wtf.
3. Paul is in Afghanistan. He’ll be fine… I think. Regardless, I don’t want to be reading about these articles about all the bombings & killings in Afghanistan; it scares me. What sucks even more is that I don’t think I’m as close to him as other people….yeah, I’m going to leave it at that.
4. I’m not on speaking terms with my dad. I got into a bit of an argument about Spring Break & I haven’t talked to him since. It’s been a little more than a week, I think.
5. I wish I had a normal family. I don’t mean my family is weird or has quirks and odd tendencies. I’m talking about a dysfunctional & broken family… enough said about that.
6. The very few friends that I have back home hate me. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I know for sure they’re not too happy with me. Honestly though, I don’t know what more I’m supposed to do. It’s a two way street. And I’ll admit, I’m not able to call you as often as I would like, but there are other forms of communication, like FB or email — in fact, that’s probably the best way to keep in contact with me right now.
7. I’m behind in pretty much all of my classes. And what’s worse is that I don’t have any motivation to do well. I feel stupid here, and I’m semi-seriously considering on taking a year off.
8. Groove pretty much consumes my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love being in Groove, but we’ve been having so many gigs & all the weekends, which makes absolute sense, but I haven’t been able to see the people that I actually feel comfortable/accepted with in MA. ew, I sound like sucha loser.
9. I don’t want to go home. I know Spring Break is several weeks from now, but I really don’t want to go back (refer to #5)
10. I’m not losing weight. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I can feel and see the extra pounds I’ve gained since Winter Break. It disgusts me.
11. I don’t have a boyfriend. I know I said that I don’t necessarily have to have a bf, but seriously, I’ve been waiting since middle school, & I’m tired of being patient. And no, I’m not going to date any person who is just decent, because I want to date someone who I actually like. Different ideologies, I guess.
12. There’s too much to do. And not enough time. Do I need to elaborate on that? I’m pretty sure almost everyone understands me on this one, regardless of what specific responsibilities a person may have.
13. This could all be my hormones talking. which is why I never believe myself whenever I vent, which is why I always think I don’t have any problems, which is why I don’t like talking about my “problems” with others…. yeah

I realized that anytime something goes wrong, I’m the one to blame.
sorry I can’t be perfect

I am at that point in my life where I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life.

My professor just emailed me my first graded critique on an assignment. She completely destroyed me, which is a bit disappointing to say the least. I would have been just a little disheartened if she just left it at that, but no, she had conclude with “Have a good night.” What a bitch.

Did you know that you can only post one mp3 per day?

Spring break is about a month away & I already dread the day I have to go back home. I don’t know what I’m going to do: Big Break or homebound?

I already told my bible study leader that I decided not to go, but I could still technically change my mind & go to Big Break, which is a mission trip in FL; the only real problem is that my dad doesn’t want me to go. Obviously, I can just disregard his opinion because I am, as my father stated, old enough to make my own decisions without my parent’s consent. But do I really want to “rebel” against my dad, especially right after we had an argument? I feel like going to this mission trip while leaving on a bad note with my dad completely defeats the purpose of going.

On the other hand, I really really really don’t want to go home. First of all, I won’t have a car, which is a huge problem. Last break was the first time I didn’t have a car since I got my license, and I wanted to kill myself; I was stranded at home with absolutely nothing to do. I do not want to experience that again. Secondly, as harsh as this may sound, I don’t want to deal with my family for reasons I do not feel comfortable sharing online. I was thinking that maybe I could spend the week at my mom’s place, but on second thought, I feel like that would be just as bad, since I would, once again, be stranded and without any electronic gadgets, such as cable TV, wireless connection, treadmill, & anything that could possibly help me pass the time.

I still don’t know what to do. Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not spirtually, mentally & emotionally mature to go to Big Break — that’s fine cause I can wait until I’m ready. The fact of the matter is that I don’t want to go home. I don’t know if I can stress that enough. Maybe it won’t be that bad this time since it’s only a week…

I have decided that romantic relationships are overrated. & I’m not just saying this because I’m alone on Valentine’s Day. I hope I didn’t offend any of you who are in a relationship right now. I think it’s really cute & all, but it’s just not for me. I’m just a skeptic, that’s all.

too much to do, too much that’s been on mind, & not enough time that I haven’t had a chance to actually think.

I don’t fear death, which may seem like a contradiction to those who have read my previous blog about my brother. But I don’t contradict myself. I only fear death if the person doesn’t believe.

It’s interesting: everything is fine — in fact, you’re feeling pretty good, but then you hear the news & your heart drops heavy. Sure, he wasn’t a vital part of my life, but he certainly did play a role, left a few imprints here & there. I’m not sad; I know he was of faith & is now in heaven.

Death happens, but not guna lie, I think these types of deaths are the worst; so sudden & unexpected. You talked to him not too long ago & now you hear that he’s gone, so it’s almost unbelievable… I think of his family & realize how petty my worries are; it certainly puts things into perspective.

For my Spanish class, I have to write a review for a movie that we all had to watch, Habla con Ella (very disturbing movie, btw), & I’m having a difficult time trying to say vagina in a polite way… my goodies? the vayjayjay?? damn & this has to be in Spanish too….