naked & exposed

I could eat as much as I want & never gain weight… 

AHAHAHA fatty

& I don’t like it… I want to crawl back inside my shell, keep people out… but at the same time, I’m trying this thing where I stop creating a barrier between me & others. I can’t stop hiding & running away. I need to break down these walls… it’s not healthy, but maybe this is a bit too much at once? 

…if it’s genuine, that is. Because there is definitely such a thing as false hope. This false hope is where I so narrow-mindedly think that my dreams and goals are the only ones that matter. It doesn’t matter what truly may be good for me. All I know is that my plan seems good, so I put all my eggs in that basket and continue to sprint towards it. Sadly, with my insight, I’m not able to see the bigger picture nor would I able to understand it either. 

True hope, genuine hope, on the other hand, is one that trusts and believes that everything will be okay… actually, no, it’s more than that. It’s knowing that my life is in the hands of the Creator. It’s this knowledge that gives me a peace of mind, because it assumes that I am being taken care of — and not just by any human, but by a perfect and awesome being. 

It’s this clash of my false hopes and the true hope that leaves me bruised and face down on the ground with dirt in my mouth. If I just let go of my stubbornness and let His will be done, then I could avoid so many problems and I wouldn’t leave so much room for disappointment. 

Ultimately, it all comes down to this one question (one that I keep having to remind myself to ask): Who am I living for? 

It’s the place where I feel so giddy inside & I can’t help but smile stupidly; where everything seems too good to be true, because even the tiniest detail is so beautiful; where I want to laugh out loud because of my inability to control my joy; where hope seems genius.

but at the same time, I want to cry; I come face-to-face with reality, and this hope seems ignorant — just a cop-out way of consolation. From here, I can see the end of a good thing, and I’m trying so hard to grip onto what I have right now, because the unknown future scares me. It leaves me in such a pathetic state; it’s embarrassing & ugly yet I can’t seem to force myself to stop. 

Am I crazy? I think I might be… Changes scare me. I need to stop.
The present is too good to be wasted. 

& yet I keep trying 

I’m finally picking up the pieces & putting them back together.
I’m finally getting back on track,

& I’m happy where things are going & the way things are turning out to be :)

I just need to stay focused. 

I will get over you
it hurts right now 
but I know it’s true

I will get over you

Alright, I’m creating a band… because I don’t have the capability to do a one-man show. And I want to create an album by the time the summer ends. 

Currently looking for:

• a guitarist
• a drummer, or someone who’s not beat deaf (cause I am lol), so that they can create a simple beat
• maybe a lyricist, or someone with musical creativity, cause I’m definitely lacking in that

This band is going to be side thing… Unless we send the album to Jack Johnson (which btw, I am going to do once we make an album), & he’ll be blown away that he puts us under his record label. I’m not going to quit my day job for this, BUT I want people who are serious about this. 

As of now, I don’t have enough originality to create songs, but I have some pretty neat ideas for some sick covers. Also, I’m more into the mellow/acoustic type of music.

Contact me if you’re interested! 
& I’m being completely serious.  

which is exactly why I am where I am. 

But it wasn’t even my fault.

oh, life can be so funny!

These past two days I’ve been staying up until dawn trying to complete assignments and to meet deadlines that are nonexistent… ha. ha. ha.

So now you’ll be witnessing a very loopy & antsy Becca Kim.

BUT I’m not going to complain, because I am definitely VERY VERY glad that these weren’t actually due, because I did such a half-assed job. Do I feel stupid? Yes, very much so, especially since this happened two times in a row. AHAHA

I don’t feel down today.

I’m becoming emotionally stable. This is a good sign.

Although, the amount of work I need to catch up on makes me want to rip my hair out… but other than that, I’m feeling goooood :D