naked & exposed

I don’t know what I want…

I am a hopeless romantic. Emphasis on the hopeless. Why do I do this to myself?

I have every reason to be bitter, and I have every reason to doubt that love exists. And don’t you dare try to tell me otherwise, because I can give you numerous amounts of proof. So how can I be stupid enough to think that I’ll have a happily-ever-after?

But when I catch myself in this depressing state, I realize that I also have every reason to feel hopeless. I’m putting my hopes in the wrong things. I’m hoping that a person and a love will fill of my void and solve my problems. I’m putting my hopes in something that is conditional and fleeting. I’m bound to be let down.

I’ve been told many times that I’ve been putting my hopes in the wrong things. And I know what I’m doing wrong, but I couldn’t really figure out how to fix it. There was an understanding but no conviction. The right answer is to put my trust in God… but what does that mean?? Moreover, the fact that I was confused over this was even more mind-boggling to me. How was it possible that I was lost in trying to figure out this basic task that I’ve been taught ever since I was born? I was ashamed.

But I took a look back on my life and I finally understood; rather, I was finally convicted. As I have numerous accounts to prove love nonexistent, I have just as many, if not more, to prove of how good He is. To put my trust & hope in God is knowing that God has been and will always be good. Sure, there were shitty times — it’s inevitable! but through it all, He has taken care of me in absolutely every aspect of my life, so why wouldn’t He continue to do so? As long as I continue down the right path, I don’t have to fear what the future holds. He will stay true to His promises just as He has done these past twenty years. It’s the simple yet life-changing truth.

okayokay, despite all my bitter rants, there is a small conviction deep down inside me that believes that, yes, true love does exist… under some conditions, but that’s a whole other tangent. But it’s wrong of me to think that this love will solve all my problems. Nothing and nobody can do that. So instead of searching high and low for this love and letting that be my ultimate goal, I need to shift my sights onto the ultimate Provider. No doubt, I’ll continue to struggle with my skepticism towards the possibility of being happily married. It will always be a struggle so long as these wounds are healing, but while they continue to mend, I’ll be following and putting my trust in a God who will always be looking after me. 

you know what the answer is, and you know exactly where to find it. you know what you need to do. 

A quick update on being back home:

First off, has it really only been a week since I’ve been back home? Crazy, I feel like I’ve been here longer…

Second off, I was miserable during this past week for a number of reasons — some of which I still can’t figure out but as for the other reasons, I’d much rather not say in public. I locked myself in my room & tried to make as little human interaction as possible. I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. I was a big lazy grouch. Some good came out of this though. I caught up on more than enough sleep, guiltlessly watched movies back-to-back, and finally found a TV show to watch. But as great as all those pros are & as oh-so-beneficial they may be, this week was unproductive & unhealthy. Finally, I reached my tipping point and was desperately searching for something to pull me out. I was absolutely disgusted with myself and wanted a change. 

I don’t know what happened, but something switched. Actually… that happens a lot for me. After moments of wallowing, I finally reach a point where I realize I need to pick myself up & do exactly that. So on Saturday, I finally organized all my college things. I still have a few boxes to empty out, but now I can walk around my room without having to squeeze between stacks of boxes and bags of stuff.

And today was simply good. Nothing too extraordinary happened, but it was still good. But in my opinion, those are the best types of good days — when you have a good day even though nothing particularly out-of-the-ordinary happens, cause that’s when you’re actually enjoying life. I hope this attitude lasts. 

i hate it. 

Innocence can’t be lost

It just needs to be maintained

- Jewel

No, innocence cannot be maintained. Once it’s lost, it is lost. 

Apparently it’s a quote from a song. Well, that song is stupid. Rather, the songwriter is stupid. 

spitting curses under my breath while nursing the wound on my foot after stepping on one of the kids’ toys, scrubbing off the stickers on the car windows, having my sleep disturbed by one of the little monsters running into my room… the list goes on. 

It’s situations like these that get me frustrated and really unhappy. But I realized I have two choices, one being better than the other: I could either continue being upset by circumstances that are unchangeable or simply accept the fact that this is how my life is at the moment and just enjoy it. 

Definitely, this whole time I’ve been taking the first choice. This isn’t good for several reasons.

1. These issues aren’t even issues. at all. 
2. These are things that are expected when living with little kids
3. This is creating a wall of negative feelings between me & the little ones 
4. If I looked at these situations from a different angle, it could be kind of cute. Actually, really cute

Everything depends on perspective/attitude.  

I find myself trying to look for problems. But when I take a step back and take a look at my life, I realize that I have nothing to complain about. Sure there were some pretty crummy things that I wish never had happen and there are some character flaws I need to fix, but overall, everything is really good. I come to this conclusion all the time. I’ve been blessed. Rather, I’ve been spoiled. It’s like I want myself to feel miserable and think that I’m good for nothing. I’m always unsatisfied. I don’t know why I’m not happy as I should be. I would like to blame it on my childhood scars, but that’s being a self-righteous, lazy brat. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I don’t understand why I can’t consistently appreciate life. I read an article about happy genes. Maybe I’m lacking in them, but that still doesn’t mean all hope of being content is gone. I need to find a solution. 

I found the solution: endorphins …. & Jesus, obvi. 

ignore the question “what’s the point?” 

Currently working on my first project of this summer: a cover of Adele’s Rolling in the Deep. I’m excited :D
hopefully I don’t procrastinate on this either… 

haha here’s a preview of it: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08Vh0aWLqJU